Ways Not to Earn a Living

The (un)employment news grows increasingly dire, especially here on Chicago's South Side. On a statewide level:

The Illinois Department of Employment Security reported that the seasonally adjusted unemployment rose from 10.5 percent to 11 percent between September and October, bringing the rate to its highest mark since August 1983.... Maureen O'Donnell, the department's director, said the "slowing pace of job loss and other leading economic indicators bring with it cautious optimism." But, she said, "they are of little comfort to those seeking meaningful employment during this national recession."

As for the South Side:

According to a Chicago Reporter analysis of employment data collected in the [U.S. Census Bureau's] 2008 American Community Survey, the collective unemployment rate for South Side neighborhoods Auburn Gresham, Englewood, Washington Heights and West Englewood was 23.2 percent. Those four community areas are grouped together in what the Census Bureau defines as a public use microdata area -- or PUMA. With a rate of 28.5 percent, only the PUMA covering the northeast corner of Detroit had a higher level of unemployment in 2008, according to the Reporter's analysis.

Granted, I don't live in any of the four neighborhoods cited, but this is still sobering news. With so many people unemployed and so few jobs, folks are starving for work. Heck, their homes, their families, their very sanity are hanging in the balance. They'll do anything for cash. (Listen and you'll hear. That restless, irrepressible cacophony: "What can I offer? What can I sell?")

And the predators out there know -- jobless Joes and Janes are highly susceptible to scams. In its "12 Scams of Christmas," security company McAfee includes:

Job search related scams: With the [national] unemployment rate at 10.2 percent, there are plenty of job seekers looking for work. Beware of online offers for high paying jobs or at-home money making schemes. Some of these sites ask for money up front, which is a good way for criminals not only to steal your "set up fee" but misuse your credit card too. [McAfee's David] Marcus said that some "get rich quick" sites are all about money laundering, asking you to accept an inbound financial transfer and pay them.

Take the bait -- you end up even worse off than before.

It's not surprising that, with so much at stake, the unemployed resort to extreme measures... like donating organs. (I was recently reminded of this by the Illinois Secretary of State, who invited me to donate an organ or two should I have a disastrous car accident.) Consider this scenario from Park Chan-wook's Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance (the first part of the Vengeance Trilogy, which includes Oldboy):

Ryu, a deaf-mute, works in a factory to support his ailing sister who is in desperate need of a kidney transplant. Ryu tries to donate one of his kidneys to his sister, but is told that as his blood type doesn't match that of his sister, he is not a suitable donor. After being laid off from his job by the factory boss, Ryu contacts a black market organ dealer who agrees to sell him a kidney suitable for his sister in exchange for 10,000,000 Korean won (approximately $10,000), plus one of Ryu's own kidneys. He takes the severance pay from his factory job and offers the money to the organ dealers, who take the money and one of his kidneys, but then disappear completely. Three weeks later, Ryu learns from his doctor that a kidney has been found for his sister and that the operation will cost 10,000,000 won, but since the organ dealers stole his money, he won't be able to pay for it.

One tough break, eh?

Pretty grim, but not as bad as the shenanigans taking place in Peru:

A gang in the remote Peruvian jungle has been killing people for their fat, police charged Thursday, draining it from their corpses and offering it on the black market for use in cosmetics. Medical experts expressed skepticism that a major market for fat might exist.... Yale University dermatology professor Dr. Lisa Donofrio speculated that a small market may exist for "human fat extracts" to keep skin supple, though scientifically such treatments are "pure baloney...."

[P]olice received a tip four months ago that human fat from the jungle was being sold in Lima. In August... police infiltrated the band and later obtained some of the amber fluid, which a police lab confirmed as human fat.

On Nov. 3, police arrested Serapio Marcos Veramendi and Enedina Estela in a Lima bus station with a quart (a liter) of human fat in a soda bottle. Their testimony led to the arrest of [suspect Elmer Segundo] Castillejos three days later at the same bus station.... Police named the band the "Pishtacos" after a Peruvian myth dating to pre-Columbian times of men who killed to extract human fat....

Medical authorities reached by The Associated Press said human fat is used in anti-wrinkle treatments -- but is always extracted from the patient being treated, usually from the stomach or buttocks.

"There would be a risk of immunological reaction that could lead to life-threatening consequences" if fat from someone else were used, said Dr. Neil Sadick, a professor of dermatology at Cornell Weill Medical College in New York.

Dr. Adam Katz, a professor of plastic surgery at the University of Virginia medical school, was incredulous when told about the Peruvian ring.

"I can't see why there would be a black market for fat," he said. "It doesn't make any sense at all because in most countries we can get fat so readily and in such amounts from people who are willing and ready to donate that I don't see why there would ever be a black market for fat, of all tissues."

Unspeakable acts. Obscene, unpardonable conduct. Heartless, savage behavior reminiscent of some tawdry drive-in feature (I Drain Your Fat). What's more: the killings were both gruesome and misguided. How very pointless -- to go through all that and there's no market for your product.

A lesson to us all: no matter how desperate you become, pause a moment and think. Retain your decency. Do your research. Determine what's truly profitable.

Last night I had a dream. I was in some dusty village bazaar. A man was selling tropical birds. An old woman brayed about her brightly colored blankets. And me? I was hawking a bottle of liquid fat... and there were no takers.